File under “disturbing” and “momentarily mouth watering”
In an attempt to make it out of this post without a bevy of death threats and/or with my integrity intact, before I begin I must say that I love marzipan and am staunchly anti-cannibalism.
But I do also have to admit when I received this e-mail from my co-worker today, my mouth did salivate at first glance.
Subject line: FW: MARZIPAN BABIES
In my defense, I didn’t really think it was going to be babies. You can pretty much buy marzipan treats in all shapes, sizes, animal classes and genetic mutations.
I’ve always suspected his nose was made of marzipan. Explains the melting.
So when I opened the e-mail and found these, you can imagine my surprise.
Holy almond paste, they really were babies! I just sat there and stared. They were masterfully shaped. Unearthly smooth. Obviously created with love and care by a seasoned pastry chef with feather-touch fingers plucked from the wings of angels. As my senses began working overtime (thanks be to Andy Partridge) I thought about how they probably had the perfect marzipan consistency and texture. Yielding but thick and substantial.
This is where my moral dilemma began. Say I were to come into possession of one of these marzipan babies. Could I really eat it? Would I eat a baby? Where would I begin? Because at the moment, the urge to hold a precious marzipan baby in my palm and slowly squish it through my fingers was unbearably strong. Would I nibble at the toes first? Eat a hand and stash the rest in my desk to savor later?
My gorey inner dialogue was really bothering me. Do I harbor ill-will for babies? But then I realized, I was but a victim of my environment! The real question was, who would make marzipan babies?! What devious, depraved mind would make a replica of a baby so mouthwateringly delicious?
The optimist in me refused to believe such a monster existed. So, on an Encyclopedia Brown hunch, I googled “marzipan babies.” And breathed a huge sigh of relief. And maybe shed a tear. For marzipan babies are seemingly a little piece of internet folklore. A scam. An urban legend. A cyber wives’ tale.
These babies are actually miniature sculptures by Camille Allen. Thankfully, they are made from a tooth-chippingly inedible polymer clay or resin. The hair upon further inspection appears to be 100% homegrown, barbershop-quality beard trimmings and not the super fine threads of gold-laced Belgian chocolate I once imagined. Sigh.
All this huge ordeal has done for me is make me crave marzipan.
As you can see from the portrait of my inner child, shown left, this makes me very crabby. And has left me no choice but to call upon my satanic birthright and destroy the world.
O, Dignity! Why hath thou deserted me??
Current Mood: 
Alarmed
i think i have sunk/sank/sinked to a new all-time low.
i just pried a tiny morsel of laughing cow cheeze from between the ‘B’ & ‘N’ with my door key. AND ATE IT.
i think (& hope) that collene has correctly pinned this abhorrent behavior on the South Beach Diet. i can think of no explanation otherwise - than possibly genetics - and thats too distressing a thought to entertain. at least this is a phase that can potentially go away. with an exorcism.
what can possibly be next in my litany of dignity-less woes??
1) i’ve already mended 2 pairs of my regular-wear pants with duct tape.
2) i’ve consumed an item from off of my keyboard. (pried from between the keys no less)
3) …? mystery action.
i’m a little afeared of the possibilities. i just pray to all of the Powers That Be that it will not involve the bathroom in any way.
my bref stinks.
stoopid laughing cow cheese.
kittyteef out.
snausages
Current Mood: 
Playful
My house has smelled like apple-smoked maple sausage all week from breakfast last weekend. It’s a good smell, a breakfasty, homey smell. That is all I wanted to say.
Whew…my first post…it feels good. I made the deadline. I mean I didn’t really have a deadline, but in my head I was like “just do this already!” I’m new to the blogging world and I wasn’t sure if I could do it…write something for the whole world to see that might be interesting or funny or blog-worthy.
oooo, let’s see if my training session with mandy and collene has paid off. If you have a hankering for sausage, check out Hot Doug’s
