Coffee of the future

So, this morning at work, two guys in Dockers and button-downs (read: sales types) came in and installed a high-tech coffee robot.

Perks are few and far between here, so this robot caused quite a brouhaha.

With the coffee robot came a card catalogue-like storage unit with about 16 pull-out drawers containing different types of coffees, teas and creamers. This caused an even greater uproar. We were told we were about to enter a new age of coffee drinking, and from this brave new world, we would never want to return.
coffee robot1

Wide-eyed we stood and watched while SalesDork1000™ taught us how to make the coffee of our dreams. Any combination of flavors and strength was possible, and only limited by our imaginations. Don’t have the recipe? Don’t worry. The coffee robot has every combination stored in its database and will reveal it to you in good time.

He then showed us that the drawers actually contained airtight pouches of the “freshest coffee imaginable.” This pouch is to remain sealed until safely placed in the robot as to not contaminate it with human weakness and depravity. With just a touch, the robot lowers its pouch receptor dock and now the fun part begins.

Your attention is drawn to the multitude of delicious beverage choices flashing on the LCD screen. There are coffees. There are many, many lattes. There is the option to make things “Choco.” Choco is a main function of the coffee robot. I am almost certain the coffee robot was sent to conquer the earth one Choco at a time. Beginning with SalesDork1000 and its companion model, SalesDork2000, who both must have mentioned their love of Choco 20 times in 10 minutes. Clearly they have been brainwashed by Choco. I will now be avoiding Choco.

So is the coffee robot the wave of the future in office coffee? The jury is still out on that one. Today I tried a latte and was not so impressed. Yes, I am a coffee snob, but man, I grew up on Maxwell House just like everyone else. And although my interest was piqued by the robot’s ability to actually create light and fluffy foam from powdered milk (”real” dairy, a rarity), the latte was sort of watered down.

Tomorrow I think I’ll try to make friends with the coffee robot, tell him not to rush and put it on the double brew cycle. Maybe I’ll even get crazy and try one of the “well-being” teas. Then I’ll probably make a run for the Intelligentsia.

This just in!

Why can’t we have Michael’s version of the coffee robot? Then it could even deliver the coffee to our desks and take away the dirties when we’re done. I thought this was supposed to be the future, dammit.

coffee robot mj

September 27, 2006. Uncategorized. 8 Comments.

8 Comments

  1. Miranda replied:

    Wow - it’s just like that Infocom text adventure game where you have to figure out how to get the machine (with Genuine People Personality) on Zaphod’s spaceship to make a decent cup of tea…

    Crawling back into geeky corner now…

    September 28th, 2006 at 12:46 am. Permalink.

  2. LD replied:

    Does your coffee robot switch out standard brews for seasonal items such as as Pumpkin spice latte or gingerbread mocha? Mine does. It’ll even spit out a cinnamon scone.

    September 28th, 2006 at 9:24 am. Permalink.

  3. tamara replied:

    wow! i want a robot that spits out desserts!

    September 28th, 2006 at 9:27 am. Permalink.

  4. collene replied:

    LD, clearly you have the Sharper Image version of the coffee robot!

    Based on the quality of the “Sumatra” coffee I tried this morning, I’d compare ours to something bought out of the back of a van. Or maybe As Seen On TV.

    September 28th, 2006 at 10:12 am. Permalink.

  5. LD replied:

    Is that thing in the middle a hologram? Cuz that would be sweet to stare at while coffee robot mixes your “coffee” concoction.

    September 28th, 2006 at 10:23 am. Permalink.

  6. Miranda replied:

    You realize, don’t you, that the Choco-Coffee-Master6000 is just a technological overlord’s step away from hooking you all up to feeding tubes…

    September 28th, 2006 at 10:31 am. Permalink.

  7. Michael replied:

    The movie “Future world” is becoming a reality.
    I wonder if they make a coffemaker in the form of Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons?

    September 28th, 2006 at 1:16 pm. Permalink.

  8. Rozanne replied:

    I love that they describe the coffee with such extravagent and patently untrue superlatives. The “freshest coffee imaginable.” Ha! Indeed.

    Sounds like the coffee pretty much sucks but the entertainment value is off the charts!

    October 1st, 2006 at 11:40 pm. Permalink.

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