It’s that time of the month club
During my bout of insomnia this evening, er, morning, I found myself wondering why I don’t belong to any “[insert noun] of the month clubs.” How nice would it be to receive a bottle or two of wine per month or a perhaps a thoughtful trio of carefully selected regional cheeses? Why have I been denying myself of this luxury? Clearly I loathe myself. And just to make up for my flagrant self-neglect, I thought, why stop at wine and cheese? Surely there are other monthly delights I could partake of.
Here ladies and gentlemen is where I must pause and profess my undying love for Google. I know this is not a new sentiment by any means, but where else at 1:12 a.m. can you seek and find a mind bogglingly comprehensive list of “of the month clubs?” So comprehensive in fact, I suddenly feel I have been rather sheltered from the world, and can only sit in awe at how our Capitalist Machine has reached such a level of efficiency in the distribution and exchange of goods and services that one does not have to move a single muscle beyond an index finger’s worth of energy to click and then receive one’s specialty offshore fishing lure in the mail every month.
I’m sold!
Specialty offshore fishing lure not your gig? Do the popular monthly fixes of microbrews, chocolates, popcorn, fruits, meats, coffees, teas and other more traditional foodstuffs not suit your fancy? I’m happy to inform the unique souls whom require a road less traveled, you shall not be turned away. There are any number of niche “of the month clubs” just waiting for you:
Licorice of the Month
Book of the Month
BBQ of the Month
Bacon of the Month
God of the Month
Fossil of the Month
Mineral of the Month
Software of the Month
Sock of the Month
Panty of the Month
Condom of the Month
Care Package of the Month
Yarn of the Month
Font of the Month
Carnivorous Plant of the Month
Lobster of the Month
Mustard of the Month (LD!)
Keg of the Month
Button of the Month
There even used to be a Fuck of the Month Club before Dubya and his Holy Minions began cracking down on The Porn. Though I believe this was not a mail order business, I do not put anything past the powerful Capitalist Machine.
Even Murder She Wrote had a ‘Murder of the Month Club’ episode in which, according to the synopsis, “murder, plagiarisim and blackmail stalk those around Jessica on her promotional book tour.” Poor Jessica Fletcher, how The Troubles do tend to follow her so. If I may digress for a moment, if you were Jessica Fletcher, wouldn’t you assume you had been cursed and needed immediate spiritual cleansing? I mean, if MURDER! or SUDDEN DEATH UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES! occur within 10 minutes of your arrival anywhere, wouldn’t you seclude yourself in your home in Cabot Cove for rest of eternity? But I guess with excellent, puntastic episode titles like ‘Corned Beef and Carnage,’ ‘No Laughing Murder’ and ‘Doom with a View,’ I am willing to accept this suspension of disbelief.
I do have to say though, there are important “of the month clubs” missing in this world.
So, if by chance you are a purveyor of lip balms, please comb the Earth for an unparalleled assortment of lip remedies and help me get off the Burts, if not by actual detox, then by monthly distraction.
If you are a merchant of fancy imported lotions, please offer the raisins of the world a monthly sampling of rich, delicious smelling hand moisturizers.
Staples, Office Max or Boise Cascade, think of the bonus points you could earn by sending office supply freaks like myself a monthly parcel of the latest office supply innovations, be it a new pen, notebook, highlighter, tape flags or glue stick.
Attn fellow snail mail lovers: let us form a monthly snail mail group and recreate the glory days when mail wasn’t all boring bills and mindless crap. I promise to try to send you a coconut or a loaf of bread just to see what happens.
People, friends, merchants, this is my plea.
4 Comments
- Miranda replied:
I would like to belong to the Tupac Shakur Collectible Memorial Plate of the Month Club. This is an unfulfilled need in my life.
June 21st, 2006 at 5:33 pm. Permalink.
- LD replied:
i used to be in a pasta sauce of the month club.
How about an employee of the month club, where they send someone over to clean my house.
I like Care Package of the month…sounds full of surprises!
I do participate in the Utility Bill of the month club. Very exciting to see the little graph showing my gas usage.
June 21st, 2006 at 6:37 pm. Permalink.
- LD replied:
oooo! I just saw my name next to mustard! Yes, indeed I would love that.
How about this:
http://www.thegag.com/gm-0001.htmlJune 21st, 2006 at 6:51 pm. Permalink.
- Collene replied:
I think I belong to the Utility Bill of the Month Club! I hate that club. I’m going to call and cancel immediately.
June 21st, 2006 at 8:42 pm. Permalink.
