Wanted: Personal shopper
Independently owned and operated Chicago-based female who has issues with spending money is seeking a personal shopper. Must be able to fearlessly purchase high ticket items and forge my signature. Position may require panic-inspired returns on occasion. Salary negotiable. Serious inquiries only. Please send shopping history and recent receipts to applestorebreakdownsnomore@antishoppersanonymous.com. Thank you.
Is it wrong?
That I find the song “Higher Power” by Jens Lekman (my Swedish boyfriend) perfectly romantic and that it totally describes a silly, random scenario similar to how I myself might conclude God exists? Just look at these lyrics! Tell me their simplistic beauty does not speak to you.
She said let’s put a plastic bag over our heads
and then kiss and stuff ’til we get dizzy and fall on the bed.
We were in heaven for five or six minutes, then we passed out
and I was so in love, I thought I knew what love was all about.
In church on Sunday, making out in front of the preacher.
You had a black shirt on with a big picture of Nietzsche.
When we had done our thing for a full Christian hour,
I had made up my mind that there must be a higher power.
Also, is it wrong that I have so many boyfriends?
Socialist boyfriend = Billy Bragg
Elven boyfriend = Legolas/Orlando Bloom
Hot, built deserted island boyfriend = Jin/Daniel Dae Kim
Country boyfriend = Brad Paisley
Celebrity chef boyfriend = Tony Bourdain
Gay boyfriend = Kyan Douglas
Secret boyfriend = George Clooney
Funny, politically right on boyfriend = Jon Stewart
Deep dark hidden dirtiness boyfriend = Jude Law
CSI boyfriend = Nicky Stokes
Football boyfriend = Tom Brady
Punk rock/born again, rumored to have been born with a tail boyfriend = Nick Cave
This could go on and on.
Do you have boyfriends? Who are they? I won’t steal them. I promise.
You would think
with the sizeable monetary donation I give Cheetah Gym every month, the least they could do is purchase a big, obnoxious Times Square style LED sign that would boldly flash the last time I actually visited the gym to all the other loyal gym members wandering by or it could maybe blindingly divide my paid dues to date by the number of times I’ve actually gone to the gym to calculate the total sum of money I’ve wasted on my membership because obviously this positive reinforcement stuff like refreshing chilled anti-sweat towels and personal tvs on all the equipment and cute turtles and koi in the pond aren’t working but maybe embarrassment and public humiliation will.
~ The Mgmt.
Convenience at its best
Gone are the days of eating on the go with your #2 meal in your lap.
That’s right. There’s a much more civilized way of enjoying the drive-thru (it pains me by the way to type the word “thru”).
Tell me you don’t want one of these for Christmas. And if you do, let me know. It can totally be arranged. This one has been sitting in our office for oh, at least a year.
In other news, WE MADE THE MACKEREL this weekend. Some of us even ate it. Witness the horrors yourself here. The good news is, our efforts were not made in vain. Even though we were technically late with our entry, Wendy has decided we rocked the inedible WW haus. woohoo! Congrats fellow scarred ones!
