File under “disturbing” and “momentarily mouth watering”
In an attempt to make it out of this post without a bevy of death threats and/or with my integrity intact, before I begin I must say that I love marzipan and am staunchly anti-cannibalism.
But I do also have to admit when I received this e-mail from my co-worker today, my mouth did salivate at first glance.
Subject line: FW: MARZIPAN BABIES
In my defense, I didn’t really think it was going to be babies. You can pretty much buy marzipan treats in all shapes, sizes, animal classes and genetic mutations.
I’ve always suspected his nose was made of marzipan. Explains the melting.
So when I opened the e-mail and found these, you can imagine my surprise.
Holy almond paste, they really were babies! I just sat there and stared. They were masterfully shaped. Unearthly smooth. Obviously created with love and care by a seasoned pastry chef with feather-touch fingers plucked from the wings of angels. As my senses began working overtime (thanks be to Andy Partridge) I thought about how they probably had the perfect marzipan consistency and texture. Yielding but thick and substantial.
This is where my moral dilemma began. Say I were to come into possession of one of these marzipan babies. Could I really eat it? Would I eat a baby? Where would I begin? Because at the moment, the urge to hold a precious marzipan baby in my palm and slowly squish it through my fingers was unbearably strong. Would I nibble at the toes first? Eat a hand and stash the rest in my desk to savor later?
My gorey inner dialogue was really bothering me. Do I harbor ill-will for babies? But then I realized, I was but a victim of my environment! The real question was, who would make marzipan babies?! What devious, depraved mind would make a replica of a baby so mouthwateringly delicious?
The optimist in me refused to believe such a monster existed. So, on an Encyclopedia Brown hunch, I googled “marzipan babies.” And breathed a huge sigh of relief. And maybe shed a tear. For marzipan babies are seemingly a little piece of internet folklore. A scam. An urban legend. A cyber wives’ tale.
These babies are actually miniature sculptures by Camille Allen. Thankfully, they are made from a tooth-chippingly inedible polymer clay or resin. The hair upon further inspection appears to be 100% homegrown, barbershop-quality beard trimmings and not the super fine threads of gold-laced Belgian chocolate I once imagined. Sigh.
All this huge ordeal has done for me is make me crave marzipan.
As you can see from the portrait of my inner child, shown left, this makes me very crabby. And has left me no choice but to call upon my satanic birthright and destroy the world.
4 Comments
- kittyteef replied:
you are killing me. i too want to squish a marzipan baby. you can satisfy your craving for destruction in the food aisles of cost plus. they have an endless array of marzipan squishables!
April 6th, 2006 at 11:17 am. Permalink.
- Miranda replied:
Disturbing!!! At least jelly babies are not as lifelike…although they are gummy and delicious. Chocolate babies are not adorable and resemble small sarcophagi. Really, we should demand a better selection of edible infants!
April 6th, 2006 at 2:38 pm. Permalink.
- karen replied:
do you think they would make miniature marzipan placenta and umbilical cords too?
April 6th, 2006 at 2:39 pm. Permalink.
- tamara replied:
you are not alone, oh sick one. i too want to squish the crap out of those babies. mmmmm……
April 7th, 2006 at 5:49 pm. Permalink.
