American Idolatry
Unable to hold back any longer, I am thankful that I can count on the blogging world at large upon which to unload my bipolar distress over the American Idol Disaster of 2006. Because it hurts. And the more it hurts, the more I love it, and really, whether you’re in the closet or openly preaching your love of AI to anyone who will listen (can I get a witness?), there is great comfort knowing I am not alone in this.
* Judas Priest, what is Paula on this week? It’s a game! Fun for the whole family! Spot the symptoms, place your bets and name your drug. Glassy eyes? Check. Slurred speech? Check. Unabashed love for all living and inanimate objects, including Simon? Could be Tina. Wait, she keeps waving an imaginary lasso above her head. Looks like it’s a hallucinogenic. My money’s on a bottle of Ritalin with a rubber cement chaser. Also, it appears her left bang swoop may be strategically hiding a lazy eye? Or is her left eye is a lightweigt? We’ll never know.
* Why is Randy always a broken record? When the show first started, all we heard about was how he played bass on Journey records back in the day. Dawg was constantly reliving his glory days. Now he just picks a couple choice phrases and repeats them ad nauseum. Last night’s victims: “Out the box” and “You worked it OUT, man.”
* Mandisa is a class act, yo. (Damn you, Randy!)
* Bucky. Bucky. Bucky. So yucky.
Looks of a truck driver. Voice of a lawn mower.
* Paris. If I have to hear Paris say “tink you” to the judges one more time… I mean, clearly the girl is extremely talented, but her über-cutsie 5 year old speaking voice and mannerisms make me feel like I am watching some sort of creepy human/Cabbage Patch hybrid.
* Chris. Do yourself a favor and stay as far away from Paula as you can. She a cold hearted snake. Look into her (glassy) eyes, oh oh oh.
* Katharine. I can’t help but like her although I think she would take Idolship to a very cabaret type place.
* Taylor. I just can’t.
* Lisa. Dawg, you are really getting on my nerves. This is not your high school production of Carousel! I get the feeling she’s the kind of girl I probably hated in high school, and is so precious that she thinks pierced ears are trampy, gets ill from one cigarette and wears a virginal white dressing gown with matching headband to bed. In short, she needs to get her hands dirty. I suggest a scandalous affair with Paris. Again, stay away from Paula.
* Kevin. I have a theory that under that fully buttoned polo shirt lies a full flokati rug of chest hair.
Kevin charitably donates his chest hair to needy children of the world.
* Ellllleeeeeeooooottttt. Brilliantly compared to Alf and Miranda’s favorite. I like him a whole lot, but want to feed him Sudafed. Boy is stuffed up!
* Kellie Pickler. FTLOC, she is MILKING that southern-fried hick/vacant blonde act for all she can get. Can anyone really be that stupid? She is like a caricature of herself, dumbfounded by the most common objects and foods. She’s still harping on her introduction to calamari. It irritates me to no end and makes me want to sit and try to convince her to eat inedible things. “Shellac? I’ve nayver hayad a shellayac sandwich before. Fried Q-tips? I’ve nayver even heard of a Q-tip before.” You get the picture.
Ace. I would like to hear him sing an entire Barry White album in falsetto.
6 Comments
- Miranda replied:
Brilliant. Also, I’m glad you didn’t diss my main man, Alf.
March 22nd, 2006 at 6:02 pm. Permalink.
- Anne replied:
We are SO psychic friends!
http://qwertygrrl.livejournal.com/47596.html
Poor Chicken Little last night. To be voted off before Bucky. America, have you gone mad?
March 23rd, 2006 at 10:56 am. Permalink.
- kittyteef replied:
its becoming obvious i am going to be forced to attempt to watch this show again for paula alone. my vote is hallucinogens. my hypothesis is that she is still entangled in the furry embrace of her Opposites Attract costar … M.C. SKAT BAG.
fo real. his name is mc skat bag. go on, google it.
i can’t express how much this disturbs me.
WHY WOULD ONE EVER EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF SHARING THE SCREEN WITH SOMEONE NAMED SKAT.BAG. ?!!? thats another film genre entirely.
file under: feline anime’ fecaltown fetish.
clearly her publicist hated her.
i feel sick.
i have to go.
she’s forever his girl. *shudder*
March 23rd, 2006 at 11:52 am. Permalink.
- karen jean... replied:
your kellie pickler comments make me hurty with laughter.
March 23rd, 2006 at 12:39 pm. Permalink.
- Michael replied:
Kittyteef you have flooded my mind with repressed Paula videos. My favorite was her musical interpretation of “Rebel Without a Cause” starring opposite of Keaunu Reeves. Maybe now she can revive her singing career with a video remake of “Valley of the Dolls”. Paula liked the purple ones.
March 24th, 2006 at 11:48 am. Permalink.
- Kittyteef replied:
i wish there was an ET sound byte linked to eelllleeeeeoooootttt.
i would click it all day long.
(add chewbacca gurgle and my day would be complete)March 28th, 2006 at 1:12 pm. Permalink.
