snausages
Current Mood: 
Playful
My house has smelled like apple-smoked maple sausage all week from breakfast last weekend. It’s a good smell, a breakfasty, homey smell. That is all I wanted to say.
Whew…my first post…it feels good. I made the deadline. I mean I didn’t really have a deadline, but in my head I was like “just do this already!” I’m new to the blogging world and I wasn’t sure if I could do it…write something for the whole world to see that might be interesting or funny or blog-worthy.
oooo, let’s see if my training session with mandy and collene has paid off. If you have a hankering for sausage, check out Hot Doug’s
Coming to a sky near you
Apparently there was some sort of celestial showing of Jaws 3-D yesterday.
This boy brought his prized goat to the movie and even sprung for the popcorn combo. Isn’t that heartwarming?
The poor little goat got a little freaked out at the floating 3D arm part and needed holding.
Back in the saddle again
Due to my protesting respiratory system, which I can only assume was reacting to my many ennui-inspired sighs last work week, I was forced to leave work on Monday. I know, I know. Tragic indeed. Bedridden, I did what any red blooded, consumptive American would do, and proceeded to watch approximately 10 consecutive hours of Law & Order SVU.
After a long night of negotiations, I decided to stay home on Tuesday just to make sure my renewed contract with my lungs was going to stick. It was a perfect sick day. My girlfriend, who will remain nameless, and who may or may not have been ill, also decided to stay home. There was oatmeal. There was tea. There was video game playing (on the couch and under the blanket sickie-style, of course). There was even a cat nap. With an actual cat. These types of cat naps are the best (unless of course you have cat allergies). As I was drifting off to sleep with my living teddy bear Boutros on my chest, I was thinking how a cat nap is nice, but a cat nap with a cat is better, and wondering what other phrases in the English language are better literally than they are figuratively.
Somewhere in my sickie haze, I thought, monkey business. Business sure would be so much more fun with real, live monkeys. This thought is not new, nor is it not new to me, as anyone who knows and loves me knows I am obsessed with an office intern monkey. Just imagine this little ambitious overachiever fetching you coffee in the morning, spilling it everywhere as he runs down the hall with his excited uneven gait! Or think of the copies. For the love of god, think of the monkey intern making copies. In this fantasy do not include a step stool. Instead, think of the gangly, outstretched monkey arm reaching up to push the “copy” button. Then let the hysterics ensue.
Then somewhere in my dreaming state, my spine made a call for help and required me to shift this extra 17 pounds of added weight on my belly. I think Boutros Boutros-Kitty and I need to work on our mental telepathy skillz, because he took my slight shift as an eviction. And that’s where the cat nap abruptly, and so wrongly ended.
L Word Season Finale Spoilers
Now I generally DETEST spoilers, but let’s face it, this has been a rough L Word season, and hence, a blow to the small bubble of hope that all lesbians carry in their hearts–the bubble that allows us to believe that our relationships CAN INDEED last longer than three years. And so, I felt that in such a case, it was worth tapping my SuperPowerfulSecretSource for super-classified information.
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SuperPowerfulSecretSource
Now I know you’re all thinking “Carla, how on earth could this finale end well while we are still all mourning the super-sweet, universally relatable Dana?” Well, dear fans, Dana is sticking around, at least for a bit, as the ever-whacky Alice gets herself into a bit of a pickle. Apparently, Alice’s vampy love interest doesn’t take it well when Alice neglects to call her, and Dana, must warn Alice of the danger she is in. Unfortunately, as a ghost, she can not be seen or heard by the living, and so she tries to communicate with Alice through Oda Mae Brown, a psychic who didn’t even realise that her powers were real. This unexpected plot twist let’s us spend more time with Dana, while reuniting her with Alice. We also get to see Alice make out with Whoopi (while Dana inhabits her body), which is, er, kind of cool/gross/subversive?
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Dana returns!
Perhaps even more unexpected is this next twist. Tina, after only meeting with her and Bette’s lawyers once, decides to grant Bette full custody of Baby Angelica, who, in my opinion, wasn’t a terribly interesting character anyway. Apparently Tina realizes that the trauma of dealing with Bette for 5 minutes each Saturday morning and Sunday evening is simply too much for any human to bear. Tina breaks off her current relationship, and within 15 minutes is happily moving in with another insta-family. But will Bette be able to leave Tina alone and accept her new life?
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Tina finds yet another, newer family!
Shane and Carmen get married and have great sex. Yadda yadda.
Kit dumps the creepy manny. Shortly thereafter, the manny is hit by a hummer.
Now, as if this isn’t enough to bring us out of a dismal L-year and into a new lesbian consiousness and optimism, even Jenny ends this season happy. Apparently, Jenny had been mixing Max’s male hormones with manatee hormones, and then injecting herself as well, thereby creating the perfect mate and finally finding the peace she has always dreamed of. Unable to write with her flabby-arm-fin-things, Jenny has thus relieved the world of her “gift,” and Max is unable to take the job at the sexist software company (yes, the company that will pay you six figures without checking any of your references or job history, simply because you have a penis), thus saving him from completely turning over to the dark side. Jenny and “Maxatee” move to Florida and live happily ever after, and we need never hear from either of them again.
Finally working together as a manateam!
Next time, I’ll give you a hand
I was just lamenting the failure of Hands Across America, and wondering where it all went wrong. These are the things that keep me up late at night. Ok, so I am really a borderline narcoleptic, but they are definitely the things that keep me from being a productive employee.
I mean, yes, it raised some money for charity, which is admirable, but why, WHY could they not successfully create a human chain from coast to coast? Was it an idea too progressive for its time? Was there a scabies pandemic scare in the mid 80s?
I am trying to think back and figure out why I didn’t even participate. Born a soggy paw, I am usually up for a good cause. Maybe it’s because I was too punk rock to give anything the Reagans were also participating in the time of day? 
I was maybe making an Echo and the Bunnymen t-shirt, or it’s also probable that I was “working” “hard” on the Waukegan Public Library Bookmobile at the exact time of the Great Hand Hook-Up. I promise if given the chance now, I would be the trusty clasp on the chain of humanity!
But again, I ask why? why could the vision not be attained? It wasn’t from a lack of trying. Reports show they rustled up quite a Dream Team that included the Jazzercisers, Hell’s Angels, disabled teens , nursing home residents, trained seals and even killer whales locking digits, or I guess in some cases flippers. Hands Across America did not discriminate. How could they go wrong?
This nagging qvestion prompted me to take a closer look at the details that make up this great American tragedy. And by doing this, I was essentially looking for the party poopers and deadbeats of the nation. I have to say, I didn’t like what I saw, as the river denial quickly flowed into the sea of shame and personal responsibility. Here is how Wikipedia reports it:
> The first break in the chain west of New York was reported to be in Maryland (I understand Maryland! How can you be expected to keep the chain unbroken when you’re having to support your big, gaudy Mrs. Roper-sized necklace neighbors?)
> The longest unbroken section of the chain was allegedly in Illinois (Us hearty, dependable midwesterners should be ashamed of ourselves. Has detastling corn, hoisting sides of meat and lifting Chicago-style pizza not trained our arms for just such an occasion? I was sickened to read this. Truly sickened.)
> Phoenix, AZ: desert areas were mostly empty, dotted with one-mile-long chains of people. Truck drivers driving along the route sounded their horns during the appointed time (Um, uninhabitable living conditions and scorpions are no excuses, people! God bless truck drivers and the speed of sound.)
Anyway, enough of focusing on the people that didn’t show up for this groundbreaking event. Let’s talk about the people that did, because clearly they’re the ones truly at fault here.
In every photo I could find, the participants are standing ON TOP OF EACH OTHER! Why are you people standing so close together? This is Hands Across America not Exchange Elbow DNA with Your Fellow Citizen Across America! The point is to stretch as far as we can! After viewing these photos, I absolved myself of my retroactive guilt, because this baby was doomed to fail.
